Raising boys

Mothers and fathers don’t need your awe. We need your support.

One of my major complaints about the childfree is that they do not understand the huge responsibility that comes with raising children. Many have some awareness of the cost, the sleep loss, the burden of pregnancy, labour and breastfeeding (this can be a major reason why some refuse to have children) and the impact on careers but few even seek to understand the very real burden of making a human being and raising that child to be moral. Moral includes being kind to others, generous while having a secure sense of self, understanding and compassionate.

So when I read one childfree Emer McLysaght in the Irish Times showing a little understanding on the issue I was heartened. Many others on my side seemed to take an instant dislike to the piece.

Sure, there are some clangers in there and Emer McLysaght exposes some of her own prejudices but it’s still a piece worth examining.

The piece is headlined, “Mothers of boys are worrying the most about raising ‘good men.’ I am in awe of the women in my life raising sons – and I’m so glad it’s not me.” Tell me more. McLysaght is in awe of mothers raising sons and relieved that she has chosen not to take on such a burden.

She says, “And I know that the ones worrying the most are the women in my life who are raising boys. Yes, specifically mothers and specifically boys, because the responsibility of bringing up sons in the hope that they won’t continue the societal cycle of misogyny seems to me to be one of the greatest burdens a woman can carry in 2026.

One friend estimates that she devotes about one third of her parenting brain power to it. Another says she is terrified of keeping dialogue open with her small son as he gets older, but hopes that modelling the behaviour she’d like to see him grow into will set him on the right course. Every mother of sons I spoke to about this demonstrated how much they are engaging in efforts to raise “good” men.”

Emer McLysaght listens to her friends who are mothers. She seems to understand that raising boys in 2026 is a difficult job and one that requires a huge amount of emotional time and energy. I don’t necessarily recognise a “societal cycle of misogyny” but there are certainly instances of misogyny in society. It would be naïve to believe otherwise. And there is a lot more misogyny now that the Irish government has decided to deliberately import men raised in deeply misogynistic Islamic cultures into this country with no opposition from the likes of Emer McLysaght.

But the internet exists, the likes of Nick Fuentes and Andrew Tate exist and a lot of young men are listening to them.

The worst part of the piece is this, “Most of the mothers of boys I know have expressed hope that they might have a queer son. The tired joke used to go that gay men are less likely to leave their mothers, but really, it’s the hope that an LGBTQI+ son might more readily treat others with empathy. Of course, it’s “not all boys” and “not all men”, but clued-in parents can at least recognise that it’s some boys and some men, and that the work starts at home.”

Here Emer exposes her prejudice against straight boys and men with the idea that such men are less likely to treat others with empathy. This is out and out bigotry towards straight men and boys. There is plenty of misogyny in the gay community although the mainstream media like to ignore it. It is often gay men who hire the wombs of women to carry the babies created from the eggs of other women, stripping them of their humanity and dignity and then essentially buying a child and separating it from his mother. This child purchasing results in serious emotional trauma for an innocent child given no choice as to its separation from its mother. Such queer men lack all empathy towards both the child they have bought and the mother that has given it life.

It is also morally wrong to want to change the sexuality of your child and I seriously doubt any mother would express such a wish.

Emer continues, “My friends with children are all frightened of social media, of access to violent and misogynistic pornography, of not being able to protect their children without wrapping them up in cotton wool. Millennial mothers are the first generation to raise children in a completely digital world, in a post #MeToo world, in an Andrew Tate world.” She is completely right on this. Mothers are frightened of social media and access to violent and misogynistic pornography. This is exactly why Jonathan Haidt has called for collective action against Big Tech who have created algorithms and social media sites that are now being sued for their compliance in the death of teenagers and harm to their mental health.

Meanwhile many on the right are only concerned with defending Our Tech Overlords and refuse to understand the sheer destruction social media has brought on the most have conservative of institutions: the family, marriage and the relationship between mothers and their children. Rules against smoking, drink driving, car safety as well corporal punishment against children were all taken on a collective level. The same should be done against Big Tech.

Emer finishes with, “There are brilliant dads too. And the dads are so important, but in my life it’s the mothers I’m most attuned to. It’s the mothers I see doing the emotional labour, the worrying, the redirecting.” She admits she is more attuned with the mothers as they are her friends and it is true that fathers are also taking on a huge responsibility of raising boys. Sons copy their fathers and obey their authority, despite what the feminists say. The destruction of the family and stripping of father figures from the life of boys has been a disaster. It is fathers who are the ones often driving sons to sports lessons and clubs, something which helps with their core development and gives them a sense of confidence.

(My boys. Matthew and John. 2023)

The fact that a childfree left-wing woman recognises the huge responsibility it is to raise a boy not to become, in the words of my mother, a headcase, is a start. Simply saying however that I’m in awe of them but I’m glad it is not me, is not good enough.

Ireland has a reasonably good reputation as being a family supporting nation but it should be strengthened. First, smart phones should be banned not only from primary schools but from secondary schools also. If parents need to contact their child, give them a Nokia. The State has an interest in creating the best educational environment for children and smartphones seriously interfere with this. Even if phones are in bags or lockers, they are still a distraction. This also does not interfere with the rights of adults if they want to fry their brains with TikTok and Instagram.

Terms like ‘toxic masculinity’ should be banned as hate speech as it labels something that is inherent to boys – their masculinity itself – as problematic. Working from home should be an automatic right for all parents and rights at least to unpaid leave during exam years strengthened.

Mother and fathers don’t need your awe. We need your support.