Remembering the WAGS

Hooligans with Visas.

You cannot say I don’t take on the big issues. But I have had enough of the news for now. So I shall take you, not to the library this time, but back twenty years to the German town of Baden-Baden. Here we find the women wearing ginormous sunglasses, high heels and the wisdom to fly in their personal spray tan “artist.” Behold, on the seventh day He did not rest, instead He invented The WAGS.

The WAGS were the wives and girlfriends of the England World Cup footballers circa 2006. They began arriving in Germany on June 9^th on the eve of England’s World Cup opener. This was allegedly England’s golden generation but they were dumped out of the tournament by Portugal in the quarter-final on penalties, as usual. Never mind.

The WAGS were going to party like it was 2006. Which it was. Queen of the WAGS was Victoria Beckham. There was also Cheryl Tweedy of Girls Aloud, wag of Ashley Cole. There was Abbey Clancy, Mrs Peter Crouch, Alex Curran who was Mrs Steven Gerrard, Carly Zucker as Mrs Joe Cole and Elen Rivas of Frank Lampard and childhood sweethearts Coleen McLoughlin and Wayne Rooney and Melanie Slade of Theo Walcott. Nor should we forget Eriksson’s glamorous and long-suffering partner Nancy Dell’Olio. Lord, what that woman had to put up with.

Now before you get all haughty and hoity-toity, hear me out on the WAGS. Looking back, the WAGS of 2006 are refreshing and almost innocent. First, apart from the spray tan and the hair that is not their own, they do look quite distinct from one another. In contrast, many of the young women today – I am talking broadly, I couldn’t name you a current Wag – often look the same. The women were not filtered, they didn’t have Instagram. They looked like young women you would see out on a Saturday night in Manchester or Liverpool. This was because the week before they were out on the town in Manchester or Liverpool.

The wonder of WAGS 2006 was that all of them and the players’ other family and friends (who became known as FAFs), shared the five-star Brenners Park Hotel & Spa with some of the most senior sports journalists of Britain, who declined an invitation to relocate. Declined an invitation to relocate – I bet they did.

The WAGS knew how to have a good time. The Telegraph recounts, with misty eyes, “After watching England labour to a 1-0 win over Paraguay in Frankfurt, the WAGs and FAFS returned to their Baden-Baden hotel for dinner at Brenners’ Wintergarten restaurant. According to more than one account of that evening, at around 10pm, some decided to let off steam by ordering a round of pear bellinis. A silver tray carrying a dozen sugar-frosted champagne flutes followed, then two more, along with beer, wine and spirits. Chips and pizza were also said to have been served. It was not long before someone present began belting out a less-than-Freddie-Mercury-like rendition of We Are The Champions before the likes of Coleen and her mother (!) Curran, Rives, Zucker and David Beckham’s sister Joanne decamped to one of Baden-Baden’s few late-night hotspots.” This was Garibaldi’s.

Garibaldi’s could not believe its luck after the WAGS spent at least €643.50 (£558) on seven bottles of Moët & Chandon champagne, nine vodka and Red Bulls and various other drinks before departing after 3am. We know all this because a copy of the bar bill was plastered all over The Sun the following day. As were photographs that included one of Elen Rivas dancing on a table.”

Amen sisters…

The Telegraph again, “after perpetuating one trope, the WAGs embarked on a shopping spree a day later in which they spent thousands in less than an hour on designer clothes, shoes and sunglasses. German tabloid Bild claimed the combined total had been €80,000 (£69,310), or “more in 10 minutes than most of us do on our wardrobe in half a lifetime”. It added, “it has turned into Shopping-Shopping in Baden-Baden.” Uppity Germans for you…

Spanish outlet ABC later sniffed, “Not even the stores of Vuitton and Gucci can keep up with the daily attack of the hooligans with Visas.”

Spend it like Beckham…

On the night before England’s exit from the World Cup, Carmine Tortora, manager of the bar Garibaldi’s told the Sun “I’m Germany’s happiest bar owner.”

He added, “I’ve had 700 litres of beer delivered today and will have another delivery on Wednesday. I’ve still got a few hundred bottles of champagne on ice, which should last a few days. The WAGs have been wonderful and are such great fun. It’s been by far our best ever two weeks of business. We’ve never worked so hard and we’re really tired – but we’ll keep going as long as the England WAGs do. I can’t say exactly how much they’ve spent on booze, but I’m very happy. People say my bar is now one of the most famous in the world. Hopefully England will get to the World Cup final and I will see much more of the WAGs. I don’t even mind them dancing on the tables – their stilettos haven’t left any scratches.”

How considerate.

Photo by LOGAN WEAVER | @LGNWVR on Unsplash

(Having a good time. This will interfere with tomorrow’s podcast and gym session.)

There is, I believe a WAG in all of us ladies. A woman who knows how to have a good time, a woman who demands champagne on ice, a woman who can dance in stilettos on the table and not leave any scratches. They are or were, the anti-Steven Bartlett.

Steven Bartlett said recently in his Diary of A CEO podcast that a night out drinking two glasses of wine ‘ruined’ his life for three day. These two glasses of wine meant he “podcasted worse” and didn’t go to the gym the day after. Tragic.

2006 was pre-woke and pre-Steve Bartlett. That’s why it was golden. These days the young women and men (the men are worse) are dangerously and terrifyingly puritanical. When they are not policing your speech or getting lectures cancelled they are listening to wellness podcasts and the bros such as Steven Bartlett. If I’ve said it once I’ve said a few times: there is difference between conservatism and puritanism.

Indeed, the Good Lord would not have gone around transforming water into wine (the best wine by the way) if He didn’t want us all to have a fabulous time at a wedding. If it is good enough for JC, it’s good enough for me.

The WAGS are the anti-Bartlett. Two glasses of wine? Please, they are just getting started. When these ‘wellness bores’ hear the words ‘let’s do some shots’ they are thinking shots of kale, spinach and ginger not Sambuca or Tequila. When the WAGS got their daily steps in they did it in very expensive Jimmy Choos, purchased on the husbands credit card, while dancing on tables. And why not? They deserve it.

Now it is true, I’ve probably had my last shot of Sambuca or Tequila because I am old. And high-heels hurt my back. And I like to be in the jammies by 7pm. But one can reminisce.

I’ll take the WAGS of 2006 over the wellness Bros any day. They knew how to have a good time, they made the manager of some bar in Germany very happy, and they turned the spray tan and art-form. How many of the wellness bros can say that?

Buy me a coffee.